Tomorrow I start my first “real” college class since I finished college almost 10 years ago. While I was thrilled to be leaving home and going off to college then, it was still terrifying. This time I’m not going anywhere, but it’s still a little terrifying.
My college experience wasn’t like most. Mainly, if I could type fast, I passed. There were a few classes, but none that I had too much trouble with. This class is something that my boss and I have decided would be a great help in my work. It will also be something that will help me in the future, I’m sure, just in basic understanding of how websites work. The class? Intro to Website Construction. Hopefully by the end of the class I’ll be able to build a basic website. Next semester, if all goes well this term, I’ll be taking Intermediate and so on. I’m pretty excited. I’m terrified. I can’t wait to start, but I’m dreading all the reading. All in all, though, I’d say I’m more excited than terrified.
I’ve been thinking about construction some today in thinking about my class, but also in terms of how God has been working on m lately. My prayer as of late has been, “God, I know you’re big enough. Help me to let you be big enough. Don’t let me size you down to what I can understand. Please give me the faith to let you have the control in my life that I tend to cling so hard to.
I don’t know if you all struggle with having control of situations, but, man, I do. I like to be in control of a situation, or at least know where we’re heading. Why do you think I’ve never had more than two drinks at one sitting? Yeah. Really. I can’t stand the thought of not being able to control my words and/or actions. That’s pretty bad. So to put me in a situation where I have no idea and no control on what the outcome can or will be? It’s ridiculous. It gets me mentally and physically. To be completely honest? Diarrhea. It’s miserable. You’d think one of these days I’d learn.
Take for instance last week. By Friday I had sent a coworker a text saying that I was having another New Year’s party at my house that night to just try to start things over. These things are completely out of my control. Most of them have worked out. There’s one out there that’s still kind of giving me a stomach ache. I could turn out good for everyone involved or it could turn out bad or it could turn out really bad. It sucks. It’s out of my hands. This is where that prayer has come in lately. “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” It’s been such a blessing.
This weekend I made a decision to try not to even think about it and especially not dwell on it. It’s been difficult. But I’ve been growing. Through this I’ve been learning to let go. I’ve been learning that I CAN’T handle it all. I’m learning that Jesus died so I wouldn’t have to handle it all. He’s bigger than my little problems. I just need to let Him be.
You know, I really struggle with letting go of stuff. What will I have if I don’t have this pain that I hold so closely? Will things really work out if they don’t go like I think they should? It’s like lately God’s been saying, Um, yeah. They will, Julie. And it will be better than you’ve ever dreamed. Better than you could ever dream up. What’s the best outcome you can think of? Yeah. Mine’s better. What do you want? Do you want your best or do you want Mine?
I’m so thankful that He’s not given up on me yet. I’m so thankful that He still sees me as something that still worth molding. So many times Biblically our relationship with God is described as the potter and the clay. That metaphor fits perfectly here in my head tonight. You know when you see a potter spinning a vase or a bowl or something on their wheel and the make a wrong move and all of the clay starts collapsing? What do they do? They start over. The artist believes that what they are making is totally worth another try. It’s worth another try. And in the end they won’t be satisfied until they’ve created something beautiful.
“There’s a better version of me that I can’t quite see, but things are gonna change. Right now I’m a total mess and right now I’m completely incomplete, but things are gonna change ’cause You’re not through with me yet. And this is redemption’s story with every step that I’m taking. Every day, You’re chipping away what I don’t need. But this is me under construction. This is my pride being broken. Every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be. I’m a change in the making.” ~ Addison Road
Father, help me to learn to let You be bigger than all my problems. Help me to trust You, Lord, and know that what You have is what’s best for me. Help me to love You completely so I can go out and show You’re love the way that You would have me to.
By the way…if you’re not listening to the songs at the ends of these blogs, you’re totally missing out. For this one I went online totally thinking I wanted to use another song, but as my itunes was playing in the background this song came on and I knew it was what I had to use if I could find a video. Be blessed!