My Own Little World


I’ve been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out what to write about.  I still don’t have any idea. I’ve been praying that my air conditioner would work for about the last day or so.  Praying that it wouldn’t rain for the last few days and next several, as well.  I’ve been praying that all of my house sales would close so I can get out of debt that much faster.  I’ve been praying tonight that we wouldn’t be hit by the tornadoes that were supposed to be hitting our area.  And I’ve been praying that God would continue to bless me.

I’m so caught up in my life.  I want things to go my way.  I pray that circumstances would change for the better.  I’ve prayed that circumstances would just change.  I’ve been content with who I am, and I’ve wanted to be someone else all in the same breath.  I’ve wanted more.  I’ve wanted less.  I’ve wanted to help more, to do more and to be more.

Have I ever really just wanted to be me, right where I’m at, who God has created me to be and in whatever circumstance I’m in at the moment?  Even when things are going good, I still want something to be different.  What is it within me that won’t settle for contentment?  And not just contentment, but acceptance of who I am and where God has placed me.

Will I ever get to the point where I count it all joy?

I remember in college there was a gentleman that helped out with the youth group at the church I went to.  I’ve never met anyone so full of life and vibrant who just lived a lifestyle of worship.  I was there the night he died.  We were at a revival service.  He was up at the altar singing and dancing when he fell over from a heart attack.  He was gone in a second.  I don’t know if his life really was as happy as it seemed or if it was a peaceful as it seemed from the outside looking in.  But at that moment, the moment right before he died, there was peace.  And contentment.  And worship.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe contentment isn’t a place where I rest.  Maybe it’s a place where I exist.  A place where I am, where there’s tension, where there’s worship and where there’s love.  Maybe it’s that place where I’m supposed to be content, right up there in the thick of it.  Not trying to change any circumstances or be someone else, but to just be and do and love.

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  • Beautiful! Thank you for the transparency and the perspective!

    • esauproject

      Thank you, Lindsey!

  • Tammi Crossett

    Just the words I needed to hear…or read, that is! Thanks!

    • esauproject

      You’re welcome, Tammi! Thank you!