Have you ever hit rock bottom?  Just the place where you feel like you’re just floundering, and as hard as you’re trying, you’re not getting anywhere.  I think that’s  exactly where I was.  I sure had the floundering part down.

After the death of my nephew I started doing things to make myself feel a little better.  It didn’t matter if the feeling was lasting or not.  I’m forever thankful that I wasn’t wired to turn to drugs or alcohol, but the things that I turned to were socially acceptable.  People didn’t care if I went back for seconds on the apple pie, and they sure didn’t care if I came to work in a new outfit that I bought on my credit card.

I think I had went numb.  I decided that it would inevitably be better for me to just build up walls around my heart so that I wouldn’t have to be hurt like that again.  The biggest problem with that was, though, while I was numb to all the bad things happening around me, I also was unable to really feel and experience the good things.  So what I turned to was anything that that gave me a little bit of satisfaction.

Man, I’m hungry.  I’ll have two more helpings of dinner.

I think I want a new guitar.  Oh, good.  This one’s only $500.

I’ve got to have a new computer.  I like new stuff.  This one works.

What I ended up with was a lot of debt and gaining a lot of weight.

I’ve talked a lot on the Esau Project about the compromises we make.  I was making little compromises here and there over a long period of time, and 10 years later, I’m still dealing with the consequences of those decisions.

Honestly, you have no idea how excited I was when I get credit card solicitations in the mail these days because it wasn’t that long ago that I was in so deep that I wasn’t even deemed worthy of a mailing.  It’s ridiculous.  I hate credit cards.  My use and abuse of them has left me with more sleepless nights than I care to remember.  But I think sometimes God uses the very things that helped take us down to show us just how far we’ve come.

I honestly couldn’t tell you other than my guitar and my computer what I spent money one during that time in my life.  I couldn’t tell you a single specific thing that I ate.  But these days, I watch where my money goes.  I try to make sure that what I’m buying is something I need and is the best deal I can find.

Sometimes I screw up, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned during this journey, it’s that we’re all screwed up.  We all make bad decisions every once in a while.  But while we’re all screwed up, we’re also all covered by God’s grace, and it’s His grace that brings us through.  I don’t know where I’d be without it.

What are ways that you show grace to those around you?  How has grace been shown to you?

About the author

  • I’ve been thinking a lot about grace lately. 😀 I’ve been obsessed with the People of the Second Chance ( I can’t imagine going through what you did with your nephew’s death. I’ve found, though, that I accept grace most easily in my own life when I’m letting God’s grace flow through me into others. My friends and I hosted a grand banquet this Saturday, and had 95 homeless, needy or just generally hungry people there. I felt God’s grace on Saturday like I never had before.

    You can check out the video at my blog if you want ( 😀 Because of forming relationships with these people, I know exactly where I’d be without God’s grace. People live without God’s grace everyday and they’re all around us. We just have to learn how to see them.

    • Becky, I keep trying to go to your site to check that out, but it pops up and says that you have content from and that’s a site that delivers malware. It will show your blog for about 3 seconds and then a malware protection screen will come up and I’ll have to close it out 🙁

      Love what you did, though! That’s awesome!!

  • Pingback: Hello Again | The Esau Project()