Today I’m on vacation. So today’s post is from my friend, Andrea. Andrea and her husband and son live in North Carolina, so I thought I’d be pretty close to them this week. However, I’m still about 10 hours away. Okay. That’s probably not an accurate guess, but I’m still several hours away from them. Andrea is a teacher, wife, sister, mother, friend and lover of Jesus. I hope you’ll head over to her little corner on the Internet and read more of what she has to say! You can find her here! Go check it out and enjoy the post!!!
“When we are out of debt, then I’ll trust God with our finances.”
I actually wrote those words on Sunday. The pastor was talking about “When…then” statements. Something he said hit close to home. I began to write and those words came out. My heart broke because those words were so true and so deep rooted. I thought my faith was so much better than this. I trust God to keep the car going, to keep the overgrown trees from hurting anything, to bless our youth ministry, and to guide our church into our future. I have no doubts about those things, but I doubt he can provide for us. I realize that my lack of trust in his provision is arrogant because I think we can do it ourselves. I trust our work more than his. I know in my head that when we have tried to do it ourselves in the past it hasn’t worked. It only caused us to move back and forth across the country to end up where God tried to put us for free long before. That obviously was a time in which his provision was better than our plan. I know that in my head, but my heart still holds out. My heart sees life decisions as separate from finance decisions. My heart thinks we can still do it. Those thoughts plagued me, but at the end of the sermon I still wasn’t sure if I was going forward. After all, I can handle it on my own. I said I was ashamed and I didn’t want to be that way. What more is there?
Of course there is more. So I went forward to pray at the altar. For me there is something very humbling about that altar that makes me very honest. In the process of praying, I discovered a deep seeded thought emotion that I didn’t know was there. I am afraid of God seeing my finances. I am worried he will be ashamed of them. Sometimes the bills get paid a day or two late. We have credit card debt. We don’t have a lot of money saved. We tithe, but not all to the local church. My finances aren’t perfect and I worry that God will be ashamed of me because of that. Even as I type those words, I get a little teary eyed, a mini Sunday reaction. I cried to know my heart held such lies. I gave it to God at the altar. I decided to change and walked away feeling lighter. I know the feelings will attack again and I will give it to him again. I will continue to remind my heart of the truths he gave me and slowly my stubborn heart will learn that God’s provision is always better than my plan.