A Bit Muddy

6

My heart longs for different places than these.  I can’t help it.  It’s this restless wandering spirit that takes over at times.  And because of decisions, good and bad, from my past, here is where I feel stuck.  It’s like my legs are knee-deep in the mud, and I’m fighting a losing battle.  You know how it is when you’re walking through mud.  The further you go, the more the mud cakes around you until it keeps you down.  You fee like you just can’t move any longer.

But still somehow you break free.  The mud dries and starts to break off, and you leave clumps of your journey all along the way.  I leave a little bit of me in the mud, but the rest is scattered all along my path.  The parts that are left in the mess are the parts that weren’t strong enough to break free.  Those were the parts that had to be torn from me because maybe I was a little too scared to let go.  But now they’re gone, and I feel lighter now.

I know that there are still things I’m holding on to. 

My shoes are more than little muddy.  It’s a process, this cleansing.  Some days you’re walking along just fine on the path before you, and other days you’re thigh deep in the mud and have no clue how to escape.

It seems on the days that I most want to run, I feel stuck.  But I don’t think I want to run because it’s the right thing for me.  I think I want to run because it will take me away from the tearing away of the things that are holding me down.  I’d rather run away and hold tightly to the good than be stuck for a bit, fighting my way through while I let go and run for the best.

It’s a painful journey, this one.  But it’s full of joy.  And hope.  And tomorrow I will see the sun again.  Some of the fruit will be pruned, and some will continue to grow for the time being.  So I keep trudging through the muck because I know I’m gaining strength in the mud and I know there will be some times that it will be a bit harder to walk.  I will need that strength.  And I continue to walk because I know that at some point it will be easier.  The mud may never change, but I will be stronger.

And I will leave a piece of me everywhere I go in this journey.  

It’s nice to know that God will never waste an experience if we give it all to Him.  It’s not my strength anyway that keeps me going.  And He chooses the places where my story stays behind me, and He chooses the places for me to stick.  So for this Type A, controlling personality, this is a lesson I have to keep learning.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Just keep walking.  Even when you feel like you can’t take another step.  I think it’s the strength you gain through the effort that is more important than the progress.

As for me, I think I’m supposed to stick a little while longer.  And if you’ll have me, I think I’ll start writing back here a little more through the sticking and trudging and through the journey.  I’ve missed you, friends.

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  • Tracee Persiko

    Good stuff right here!! Loving your mud analogy!

    • Thank you! I get mud. It always seems to stick to me, too! 🙂

  • Cathy Feely

    Welcome back! Thanks for always being so willing to share our heart. Love you!

  • Yay! I’ve been missing you.